Conflict at work is inevitable. And, it can even be helpful, supporting a healthy organization.

But, step over the edge and you'll quickly find yourself getting caught up in who's right rather than what's right. Having the argument without end, replaying the same issue over and over, without resolving your differences. Or, angry blow ups or sullen silences. You can get stuck on "She's doing that just to make me angry," or "He needs an attitude adjustment."

Step back, stop avoiding, solve the problem, and prevent future conflicts. Try these solution steps.

1. Wait until the uproar has settled down then approach the other person with "We've got a problem. I need your help." Be sure your tone of voice conveys solution not attack.

2. Describe what has been happening. Use "we" rather than "you" or "I." Emphasize how this conflict belongs to both of you, and you both need to work together to get to a resolution.

3. Then seek resolution. "This isn't working. We need to figure out how to do something different so this doesn't happen again." Ask "What can we do instead?"

4. Then quit talking and listen. This is the crucial moment. If there's been an atmosphere of blame and shame the other person might offer up excuses or good reasons for the conflict. Redirect the focus of the conversation with a reminder of "How can we make sure this doesn't happen again?" Or, if the other person makes a suggestion that you're the one who needs to change, listen very carefully. No conflict is just one sided. Find the kernel of truth in their comment.

5. Negotiate the differences. What are you willing to give to get? What is he willing to do? Are you holding on to need to be right rather than get the problems resolved? Resolution is built on compromise. This is the time and place to get ego out of the way so you can move beyond who's right to what's right. Find the common ground you both can agree on.

Seldom will you find the perfect solution. The objective is to find a way to work together so you can get on with the work at hand. Taking differences personally prevents resolution. Working from a problem solving perspective moves you forward.

Copyright 2005 Patricia Wiklund, Ph.D. All rights reserved.